Part 6: Family gathering for Christmas festivities, Die Fledermaus.

I returned to Toronto in late November and spent almost a week, visiting Aunt Lisl and friends.

Rosie and I had planned to do a small early Christmas party, and both my brothers thought they could make it!!

Lisl and my Mum had been raised as secular humanists by my atheist, feminist Granny. My Granny, the first year she was married began to celebrate Christmas, not as a religious holiday, but as a gift- giving family time.

“Ever since I was a child, Christmas had been a sore spot for me; while the rest the world was full of glitz, we never celebrated. I had made up my mind that as soon as I was married and independent, I would celebrate Christmas. But when I disclosed this to Wolf, he looked at me in shock and exclaimed: “Are you crazy?!”
I said that even Mother had given the maids something for Christmas. He agreed to give Emmy a present, but for us––on no account. I couldn’t buy a large tree because that would be too conspicuous. I bought a tiny little one, which Emmy and I kept secret. I explained to her that my husband had been away from home since his student days, never had a strong connection to his family and never received gifts; therefore, I wanted to surprise him….

I bought him beautiful cufflinks because he wore very cheap ones. He also had no appreciation for jewelry. He never wore the diamond ring my mother had given to him as a wedding gift, and soon he even stopped wearing his wedding band. I took off my wedding band straight away and stored it alongside my gold watch from Vancouver, BC.
It was Christmas Eve, and Wolf spent the whole day working at the office, as usual. When he came home, the decorated little tree was lit up, and underneath, the cufflinks were nicely packaged in a small box. We had prepared a fish dinner; even at home with Mother, only carp had ever been served because of the Catholic maids.
Wolf looked at the tree dumbfounded, awkwardly smiling because he didn’t want to ruin my fun, but he could not be induced to open his present. He gave Emmy a nice present, but I didn’t receive anything; he hadn’t been prepared for that. I also hadn’t expected anything.
When Emmy went to the kitchen to serve dinner, he just asked: “Is this necessary?”
I said “yes” and told him how I had always felt left out by other children because we never celebrated Christmas. We started to discuss religion, and he said he wasn’t particularly religious, but “there is something or other, called God.” I replied that I could get on very well without this notion, but if he felt the urge, I would not prevent him from attending Synagogue, as long as he spared me from going. He laughed and made the charge that Christmas was also a religious celebration and a Christian one at that. In response, I informed him that it was just an ancient pagan practice “adopted” by the Christian church. But in our modern times, it had become a gift-giving celebration for children and even a good pretext for adults to exchange gifts.
The next day, I found the cufflinks I had given to Wolf carelessly tossed into his night-table drawer.” Chapter 2.4 Anna’s memoirs.

My brothers and I also grew up in a secular home, and we did celebrate Christmas as a special holiday, but not religiously until, unexpectedly, all three of us children began to follow Christianity, independent decisions by each of us after having learned in our schools. We got no parental support for this choice, in fact, mainly ridicule and some anger from my father who had had some very bad experiences with church officials (specifically, a bishop who sponsored him financially for a boys’ boarding school in England). And my mother expressed puzzlement, and told us she was thankful her mother had not lived to see us all get baptised, my brothers at about age 12 and me at age 19. There was great family pride told in my mum’s Jewish family stories that while some of the children attended Catholic school, none ever converted!!

John and I had fun shopping for DVDs of operas and ballets for Aunt Lisl, and Peter made her a pottery coffee mug.

Aunt Lisl had lost some weight and was quite confused much of the time and she now slept for long periods. Her breathing was slightly faster than normal rate. In my longer than three months absence, I saw she had declined physically and mentally. She held my hand and looked intensely at me saying: “We used to be very close.” Rosie had not let on about her decline during our phonecalls, and I just had to accept it.

Gary was with me for a visit before my brothers came and definitely noticed the decline since he had only met her once previously back in May on my first visit. At that time she thought he was the doctor, and although, according to Rosie, she had very little good to say about doctors and the hospital, it seemed she would have been most happy to have Gary look after her 🙂

I had bought some mini cheeses cakes of various flavours from a cake shop, and along with a card and the gift bag of DVDs, met my brother Peter at a Starbucks on Sunday at noon in downtown Toronto. He’d flow in after midnght and stayed at a hotel. We took the subway and bus to Aunt Lisl’s home in North York.

Rosie and the other nurse welcomed us in. Lisl was asleep. A large feast of tasty looking takeout Asian food was set out on the table. A string of Christmas lights had been hung in Lisl’s bedroom and a small tree set up 🙂

Peter and i chatted with the nurses while Elizabeth slept on….

Slightly after 2:30, brother John arrived in a taxi from the airport, and we sat around the table chatting for a good hour, while Elizabeth slept on….

John joked that at least he’d have a good meal for coming all this way for just a few hours…he had traded a call shift or skipped a conference to come ( i don’t quite remember which now), and had to head back to the airport by 6 pm!!!

All three of us were really hungry, and Rosie encouraged us to eat, as Elizabeth slept on….

At about 4pm, Rosie intervened and entered the bedroom with a fresh cup of coffee and a cute small round lemon cheesecake.

She tempted Elizabeth with these treats, and by 4:30, Aunt Lisl was awake, caffeinated, happily full of lemon cheesecake and ready to receive her family! Rosie had dressed her in a long- sleeved flannel nightgown with bright red cardinals on it! Her nails were painted pale pink.💕

In we trooped and arranged ourselves by her bed; wow, how special to be there together, flanked by my brothers! I have always felt so safe positioned between my brothers. Since young together, we have looked after each other when needed, and I hope and pray that will continue for as long as possible…

John said: “We’re your nephews and niece from Vancouver, John, Jennifer and Peter”. She looked at us all at her bedside.

“ We brought you some operas and ballets for you to watch on your TV!” I chimed in.”  “ What a perfect gift!” said Aunt Lisl.

Peter’s turn: “ I made you a coffee cup!” “Marvellous!” said Aunt Lisl.

 

 

We were like three children together around her bed….definitely our Mum’s presence was there too. And also our Granny’s.  Last month I found this photo (below), as I was going through the albums and remembering my Mum, gone from our lives already for 29 years( since Dec. 21, 1988).  I think it must have been our Granny’s seventieth birthday, judging by our ages, our clothing and the box of chocolates we were enjoying!!

My Mum and us 3 with Granny (Anna) on her 70th birthday

Imagine if Lisl was also had been with us in this photo (taken by our father at my Granny’s house)….my dear Mum, who achieved such amazing results bringing my father’s broken family back together, sadly did not succeed with her own sister.  Well now, by the grace of God, over fifty years later, here we were at Lisl’s bedside, celebrating Christmas together. The best gift of all for us!

Aunt Lisl tired quickly, and after about 20 minutes of the party, she rested while contentedly listening to Die Fledermaus by Richard Strauss.

John and Peter left for the airport together in a taxi at about 5:30 pm, and I went back to the OMF guest house.

I returned briefly the next day before flying home. Rosie said Lisl had been very talkative later in the evening….she had recounted the whole story of the opera, and Rosie thought she was confused about time, as she was talking about New Year’s celebrations. No, Rosie, she wasn’t confused….the story of Die Fledermaus takes place during New Year’s Eve!!

And when Lisl awoke in the morning, she had asked Rosie for another party!

 

 

 

Part 5: Friendship bracelets, Gugelhupf and Viennese chamber music.

I grieved during the summer – for broken family relationships, and not ours alone, and for the enormous amount of hatred in our world, which I’ve been sensitive to since my youth.

Rosie and I spoke regularly on the phone, and she encouraged me to come again, saying Elizabeth would not remember being upset by me. We also talked about our common desire to help Elizabeth let go of some of her pain. Because she had some dementia, counselling would not work, so we decided to pray to this end and do our part as we could. Rosie’s mother, who was a devout Christian, was coming to visit from the Philippines and Rosie thought perhaps she could help.

One of my favourite prayer books, A Private House of Prayer by Leslie D. Weatherhead, is a collection of poems and prose, scripture verses and personal reflections. Given to me by a dear friend and mentor when I was 23, i have returned to it often for daily devotions. A couple days before I left to visit Toronto again in mid August, I read this prayer and focused on it.  I prayed that Jesus’ love would shine in me, increase my “little love”, and and touch Lisl’s heart. I prayed for the “whole world’s hatred” (so much) to be broken by the love of God through Jesus.

 

 

I decided to go back to Lisl as a friend…and came bearing beaded friendship bracelets made by indigenous women pastoral students in Borneo!

I picked Lisl’s favourite pink and blue colours, and Rosie and I also wore them…we had fun, and Aunt Lisl had her first selfie photo….when I showed her on the iPad after, she made the touch screen bigger and said “Lisl” with a big smile 🙂

 

 

I brought her and Rosie croissants one day, which she enjoyed with afternoon coffee: “ Oh, you know our weakness!” she said. Below she is enjoying chocolate cake and coffee.

 

 

 

We had gentle visits over the few days; she slept a lot; one day as I sat by her, she opened her eyes, smiled and said very gently: “ Wann kommst du wieder?” ( when are you coming again?)

I told her I was starting a new job, part-time campus chaplain at a Polytechnic University, with a Design school. She approved of part- time: “When one is a bit older, part- time work is enough.”  I told her I would come in 2-3 months.

One afternoon when I arrived Aunt Lisl said to Rosie, “Give Jenny some gugelhupf and let her stay for supper.” Rosie didn’t know what gugelhupf was, but I did! My Granny and Mum had made Altwiener Gugelhupf, a rich butter cake made in a Bundt shaped pan. For the past few decades, my older brother John makes it regularly for family gatherings (see photo below of the one John made for our New Year 2018 party along with vanille kipferl and other yummy cookies). This year our son Greg said: “Someone from the next generation needs to learn to make Altwiener Gugelhufp!”….It will likely be him!

We had wondered if Lisl may enjoy watching some videos of music and Rosie bought a small flat screen TV that took DVDs. She borrowed opera DVDs from the library, and I ordered one of chamber music in a Vienna cafe…Lisl loved it….it starts with an aerial view of Vienna, then focuses on buildings: “There’s the opera house!” said Lisl, the first time she viewed it. Then the camera enters a cafe where a chamber orchestra plays Strauss and Schoenberg. Rosie told me in the next few months they watched it almost daily and would pick which young male musician they each liked!

Lisl also enjoyed watching some of my Israeli folkdancing demo videos, especially the couples dances, and blew kisses to my dancing teacher’s tall handsome husband!

I returned home, very thankful to God for a happy visit. Lisl seemed peaceful and content, and I’d also had time to spend with Rosie, who was able to have more free time, as Lisl became more comfortable with the other caregivers on the excellent team.

 

 

 

Part 4: Connecting with my “right- brained” Aunt, “princess”, “my sister”.

Over the next few weeks while back in Vancouver, as I prepared for two further visits in June, ( doing extra surgical shifts for airfare ), I floated on the memories of meeting with Aunt Lisl.

As i told my sister and my girlfriends, I had quite fallen in love with her!!

She had called me “princess” one day and also told me I was beautiful! This I never had while growing up…. Where have you been all my life, Aunt Lisl?? I could have done with an aunt like you!!

Moreover, Rosie had shared with me at some point that Lisl, who had artistic gifts and was not focused on a single career track, had been called “right- brained” by her little sister (my Mum). Rosie herself did not know what this term meant, however, for me, this expression definitely was familiar! I too, as a young adult, had been designated as “right- brained”, also by my Mum (who was” left- brained”), for the way I approached life, career….

I wonder if my mother was aware that she had given both her sister and her daughter the same “diagnosis”. Fortunately my Mum and I could laugh about our differences; we could hold very different opinions, agree to disagree and remain good friends. It seems with Lisl though, some critiques had been made and perhaps sisterly competition won out over understanding between the two of them…

But now i knew that my right- brained way of living and processing life was in the family before me…and this felt good.  And perhaps my mother was extra understanding of me, wanting to keep our relationship close because of the more alienating experiences with her sister.

Lisl in story-telling with me did mention “my sister” several times very naturally and positively, telling me about her excellent costume design and sketching skills.  And at night she asked the night nurse, “Where is Lori?”, referring to me! This also made me feel good.

Now as i read more of my Granny’s memoirs, (some just this week as more is translated), I see that sadly Lisl felt misunderstood from early on. And losing her father, whom she was very close to, must have been a tremendous loss.

Family with a visitor ( middle girl), 1937, their last summer in Austria.

“Lisl was Daddy’s girl, whom I understood with great difficulty. Wolf often had to explain to me how he had acted as a child. Lori was Mummy’s girl. We understood each other without saying anything. But Milly ( their housekeeper) also got on better with Lori than with Lisl, because she had raised Lori. And so, Lisl felt neglected and misunderstood, became unfriendly and difficult. That’s why there were often tussles with Lori. When I was not there, the children got along quite well.” ( these quotes are from Anna’s memoirs, Book 3, Chapt.1, p. 533; just received the English translation this week!)

 

 

And from Lisl’s own perspective, I heard from Rosie that Lisl complained her mother was out a lot at her womens’ work and there often wasn’t money left for food or for new clothes. She told her sometimes her father returned from work travel in Croatia or Germany and all he could have to eat was a boiled egg!

See below that Anna’s memoirs confirm this: in 1934 she had sponsored social anthropologist, Robert Briffault, (who espoused Matriarchal theories and had written a three volume book called “The Mothers” ), on an extended visit to Vienna. (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Briffault),  to speak at her women’s club and for the Society of Friends:

“I had paid at least 800 Schillings for the two lectures and the railway fare, as well as for various guest appearances, so we would have to live on potatoes and noodles as I did not know how else to make up the loss. For months, I could not go to a theatre, buy clothes or anything new, either for the children or the apartment….”( Ibid., p. 553).

At some point during our second visit, I had dared to tell Lisl that I was having her mother’s memoirs translated and hopefully published, both in English and in German. “ Good!”, she said approvingly, “Do send me a copy when it’s ready!”

Deeper emotions came out when I was bidding farewell to Lisl after my third visit. She noticed a pendant that I wore around my neck, a turquoise Hebrew חי ( chai, meaning life), as I leaned over to kiss her goodbye, and said: “ That’s pretty”. Then I mentioned, probably rather thoughtlessly, that it had been her mother’s, ( I had taken it out of a pile of jewelry that my Mum was sorting after my Granny died when I was age eleven, but didn’t know what it was for many years).

Hearing me mention her mother, Lisl began to sob and sob, saying: “I didn’t have a good mother”. I just stood by her and held her hand, feeling terrible, while she wept inconsolably like a child. After some time, she looked at me and asked: “Will you be my mother?” “Yes”, I said, to Lisl the child. “And I’ll be yours…”, said Aunt Lisl to me.

Talk about opening a family pain “ file”.

This intense visit troubled me all the rest of the summer, and even though my friends assured me it was good for her to share those painful feelings, exposing this family pain caused me to feel deeply sad.

To keep things in perspective, all the rest of our encounters during those two visits were very positive and special. We definitely formed a bond.

Back in the first visit, she had asked us what the date was: April 30th, tomorrow is May 1st, it’s Spring outside and beautiful!” “ Springtime” said Aunt Lisl, “ That is a good time to live!”

And live she did! Her appetite improved; she herself would choose which veggies she wanted, at least 2-3 at each meal. She shaved her moustache ( yay!!) and allowed her thick hair to be combed and cut and even had her nails done. She was an amazing and very much alive almost 97 year old!!

She could not leave her bed; I did some work in her wild back yard and took some photos of the blossoms for her; when I told her I wished I could bring her outside to see, she said: “ We’ll do the garden together next Spring.”

 

 

She told me it would be good if I lived perhaps up north in Ontario and not so far away! I talked to Gary about perhaps moving close to Toronto so i could visit often; perhaps she’d live to be 100, and i could help out Rosie looking after her! Gary looked up churches in the area who were looking for a minister!!

She talked of Maureen Forrester, the opera singer, whom she’d met when Maureen was very young and just starting off; she compared Toronto with Montreal in terms of the arts and restaurants available. One day she gave us a lesson on mushrooms; she had plenty to say on many topics, and she also loved to lie quietly and listen to her favourite operas or the French radio station.

One day, Lisl said she was bored and wanted to work!! Rosie brought her some paper and pencil and she tried to draw some designs ( which she had done in work previously). She was also very aware of finances and often asked Rosie if they still had enough, which they did; she had lived very frugally and invested wisely.

While Rosie lamented that we hadn’t found Elizabeth even a couple of years earlier, when she was so much sharper and stronger, she did say, on the other hand, that when Elizabeth was independent, she would go out and about to a concert or to eat, but when at home wanted to be left alone, and likely would not have tolerated the type of visits going on now from “distant” family nor the team of nurses, who took such good care of her, all right in her own bedroom!

Stay tuned!